After I got back from Turkey, I struggled with an inner battle that still haunts me to this day. The decision to leave was the hardest thing I've ever had to choose to do in my life, and is one of my biggest regrets. There's nothing I can do, nothing I can beg for that will let me re-do that experience. But what is past, is past. It will forever be a bittersweet experience for me, but one that I value deeply. Bittersweet because I see the new YESers about to live the life that I thought I would. Bittersweet to know that a year ago today, I was six days away from leaving. Time does fly.
Now what? I told myself I would travel the world. I had dazzling dreams of suddenly becoming a rockstar, and inspiring the lives of millions. I tried my damnedest to get into a local circus school, and follow my dreams of running away to the circus. And yet, they all fell through. My friends are off to college, off to boarding schools, off to live their lives. I'm left at square one, at the place I've known for months I'd eventually come to. Most likely, I'll be starting at the Aveda Institute for cosmetology in October. I've had to think long and hard about what I want to do with my life, and to be honest, I don't have a damn clue. I'll do hair for a while. I'm good at it. I'll make money, but I wouldn't say it sounds like the most fulfilling thing in the world. But at this point, what else can I do? I've never been able to conform to the mold. Nothing about college sounds appealing, and to be frank with my high school GPA I wouldn't get into much. I love my blue hair. I adore my piercings and my tattoos, my studded boots and rocker wardrobe. But I also love seeing the world. Tasting new foods and feeling the unfamiliar roll of a new language get stuck on my tongue. I love music, and feeling the lights hot on my face, performance and steady thrum of adrenaline as I step on stage. I'm a performer at heart, an artist in a way, with a definite case of wanderlust.
So what do I do? I'll do what I always do. Stumble along a path until something pops up that I just can't resist. I fly by the seat of my pants. Being an exchange student is a perfect example of that. Dying my hair for the first time. Deciding I want to take circus classes. None of these things were given a huge amount of thought before I tried them, it just felt right. And you know what, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but that's what makes life interesting. I don't know where I'll go. I don't have a set path like most my age do. There's no college-job-family blueprint that I'm going to follow. When the time inevitably comes that I get hopelessly lost, I'll remember that I've done some pretty cool things with my life. And you know what? There's still a lot of things that I want to do. I may not be the most logical person, but I know when something will make me happy. And I'm going to go after it, no matter how small or large those dreams may be. It may be as simple as dragging myself out of bed in the morning, or as big as becoming a performer in Cirque Du Soleil.
We all have something we're meant to do, and I don't really know where I fit yet. So until then, I will do my best to make the most of what I have. Coming from someone who struggles with a multitude of inner demons on a daily basis, this is a good goal indeed.
"Do you believe you're missin' out, that everything good is happening somewhere else?"
P.S. An actual update post will come soon, but I was feeling a bit nostalgic and typed all this up literally without thinking about what I was writing. So ta-da, the results of my un-edited brain.