Let go and let live

Six months ago I left the confusing, vibrant, and wonderful country of Turkey.  I've had six months to think.  Six months to regret.  Six months to miss the idea of what I had missed out on.  I've had six months to meet my idols, think about life, and spend a bit too much money on concert tickets.

As many of you already know, I left Gaziantep early for reasons that I kept rather vague.  Health issues, physically and mentally.  Severe homesickness that spiraled into depression.  Something I already battled before I left.  All things that I know I could have dealt with, but perhaps wasn't emotionally ready for.  Exchange isn't easy.  It's a kick to the stomach, the senses, your sense of reality.  Everything is new.  Very few things are familiar.  For someone like myself who is incredibly attached to my family, being away for so long was heart wrenchingly painful.  But it's possible.  For someone with a sensitive stomach and digestive system, it was agonizing.  I found out only 2 months ago that I have gluten, soy, dairy, and egg allergies, which is the reason I was having so many issues while in the country.  The basis of Turkish food is bread and yogurt.

I thought I was making the best possible choice for myself when I came home.  But I never fully thought about the repercussions of leaving something so incredible behind.  I miss my host family.  The food, however much it hurt me.  The fellow YESers that I became so close with.  Going to the store with Linnie (another YES girl), buying 30 lira (around $15) worth of junk food, and recording our reactions while eating it.  Running around the backyard on sundays with my host cousins and sisters, playing a weird form of dodgeball.  But coming home, I was able to meet 2 of my idols, I'm able to walk at graduation and dive headfirst into music, a huge passion of mine.

So here's the question:  do I regret coming home?  Yes.  I wish I was still there.  It's painful seeing all the other YES Abroad students having incredible years and I'm now sitting at home on tumblr because I gave up one of the best opportunities ever given to me.  However, I know it would have been detrimental to my health.  Both mentally and physically.  Could I have done it?  Yes.  But I didn't, and that chapter of my life is over.  So in all reality, I don't regret it.  There are moments where homesickness for Turkey and exchange and everything I had there is so great it's crushing, but most of the time, I try to revel in what I have now.  And that's all anyone can do.

So, to all the lovely 2013-2014 YES recipients, absorb everything.  Take everything in.  Take advantage in every opportunity.  Just know that this year will be the most challenging and rewarding year of your life.  I can't say that enough.  And if you ever have doubts, just realize that it's one year of your life.  A once in a lifetime opportunity, and no matter how hard it is, you are learning so incredibly much from it.  If you have difficulties, take it day by day.  Keep a journal.  Take thousands of pictures.  And most importantly, enjoy yourself.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but I dearly hope that I can live my passion through music and travel.  I'll figure something out eventually.  But I'll be sure to keep this blog updated.  Apparently people like what I write, seeing as I have almost 10,000 views.  It's baffling.  Most of the time I just sound like a bumbling idiot.  But thank you, so very much.  For reading everything every step of the way.

-Olivia

7,000 page views (WHAT?!) and a funny tidbit

I started this blog with humble intentions to write about my (hopeful) year abroad and educate the few rare souls that stumbled across it.  At 100 views I was impressed.  At 1000 I was a bit boggled.  And now at 7,000 (7,400 something now) I don't really know what to do with myself.  Even though I am back from Turkey, the views continue to rise on a daily basis.  Am I really that interesting?  Or maybe I'm more of a train wreck that's worth watching.  Either or.


So as I don't have much on here about my time in Turkey, I thought I'd give you a little story.  The first night the YES students and I arrived in Turkey, we were exhausted and travel-weary from our 9 hour flight.  I happened to be pissed off for reasons unknown, and desperately wanted to take a scorching bath to soothe my angry bones.  So once everyone had done their thing, I sauntered off the the bathroom, undressed, and searched around for the bathtub stopper.  It was nowhere to be found.  So, towel-clad and increasingly angry, I enlisted the help of my half-asleep roommate (Hana) to fix my plight.  After much grumbling, I realized that there was not a plug to be found and it must have gotten lost.  So I plugged the drain with a towel.

Now, I'm not normally so adamant about baths, but while I was in Turkey I craved them.  Now that I'm back, not so much.  When we moved to the next hotel, I had the same problem.

"Don't any of these places have stoppers for the tub?!"  I remember asking the YESers in exasperation. Eventually I found out that Turkey doesn't really have baths.  And that the "bathtubs" that I kept trying to plug up were actually showers...that just taunted me by looking like a tub.

So moral of the story, if you're in Turkey and you can't find the tub stopper, it probably doesn't exist.

-Olivia

Kind of a depressing song, but it's been on repeat for the past few days.

Such is life

I have logged onto this blog for the first time in months just a few moments ago, and was absolutely amazed at the number of views that I have.  I never would have thought that this blog would be as popular as it is.  I'm rather humbled actually.  Most of the time I just sit here mumbling about my life and people actually read it.

Anyway.  You're probably wondering why I dropped off the face of the Earth.  My life has changed rather drastically in the past few months.  First I moved to Turkey.  Then I moved back to the United States.  Yes, I'm back home.  This was all due to health and personal issues.  I struggled with mental and physical problems, primarily depression and digestion issues.  The food is to die for, but my stomach hates me even in the US, so there it practically curled up and cried inside my body.  That's what it felt like anyway.  I still gained 10 pounds though.

So now what?  I came back a month ago, and I start school next semester.  I'll be honest, I have gone through a roller coaster ride of emotions lately.  Hopelessness.  Worthlessness.  Determination to make these months that I would have spent in Turkey worth something now that I'm back.  I strongly encourage anyone who is thinking of coming home early to reconsider it.  While I don't exactly regret it, I miss my host family immensely, and I know I missed out on a lot.  However, I will be starting piano and voice lessons soon, which is something I have wanted to do for ages.  I've started to consider my goals in life, and what I want to achieve and do for the rest of it.  I have many dreams, and I have given up on many as well.

Over the years I have wanted to be a pilot.  A baker.  A veterinarian.  A circus performer.  Many of those I've pushed aside.  They aren't really fitting.  I'm too old to begin training for the circus again.  However, I do have two main passions in life.  Travel and music.  My internal battle is which one to pursue.  Do I go to college and find a way to travel the world, and help as many people as possible along the way?  Or do I just go for it, and fling myself into the music scene?  Anything is possible.  With enough work, anyone can achieve their dreams.  But the future is daunting.  Sometimes there's so much to do, that I just refuse to handle it, and drown it all away in too-loud music.

I beg you to stay with me though.  I'm going to continue writing this blog.  I'll probably lose followers, but I enjoy writing.  I will be traveling rather extensively this year, so in essence it still is a bit of a travel blog.  I'm heading to Mexico in a little over two weeks, and Thailand/Vietnam this summer, as well as possibly Sri Lanka and India this fall.  I'll be writing about my life.  Just the life of a rather abnormal, confused, sometimes depressed, and rather colorful teenager.  I still have peacock hair and a few piercings in my face.  I have a lot to say, even if I don't say it out loud.  In a way, this is my journal, and I hope you still continue to follow along.

-Olivia

Now that I'm back, I have no problem posting music again!

First up, me getting my septum piercing a few days ago.  It's not music...but y'know...

Of Mice And Men.  Best.  Band.  Ever.

Fırst day of school! Fırst day of school!

Fırst off, before anyone begıns to questıon theır eyesıght, yes the ı's on thıs post are short and stubby and dotless.  The Turkısh alphabet has two types of ı's, and thıs one ıs easıer to type wıth on the keyboard.  Anyway.  ONWARD.

So.  The fırst day of school.  For an exchange student, thıs day ıs fılled wıth more terror and confusıon than excıtment, but ıt was ınterestıng all the same.  ı came across a bıt of a problem the fırst week.  ı was supposed to start on September 17th, but ı was sıck on that Monday and Tuesday.  So on Wednesday ı slunk ınto the school behınd my host parents, eyes as bıg as dınner plates, and my heart poundıng a mıllıon mıles a mınute.  As soon as we got there, my parents balked.  They began a rapıd conversatıon wıth the headmaster whıle ı twıddled my thumbs ın the backround.  Then wıthout so much as an explaınatıon they turned back around and headed out to the car.  I traıled behınd, stumped.  Turns out the school dıdn't know ı was comıng.  Oops.  So I phutzed around the house the rest of the week.

Fınally, Monday came around.  Once more I marched ınto the buıldıng, and was plopped ınto a slıghtly run down classroom full of rowdy Turkısh teenagers.  As soon as I walked ın, they all froze and gaped at me.  I remember a quıck explaınatıon of "Olıvıa...Amerıka'da" and was ımmedıately swarmed by what seemed lıke an endless number of curıous people.  Questıons were fıred at me ın lıghtnıng fast Turkısh, and ı managed to blubber out broken Englısh and Turkısh.  All whıle tryıng to not start hyperventılatıng.  Fınally class started, and ı stared numbly at what looked lıke Algebra 2 beıng taught.  I never could comprehend math ın Englısh.  Thıs just made ıt ımpossıbly dıffıcult.  Thankfully, my deskmate Yasemın took me under her wıng, and has sınce become one of my best frıends here.  She gracıously helped translate the endless stream of questıons people had, and tugged me around the campus. 

Let me just add here that Amerıcan schools should take note of the Turkısh way of school lunch.  every day there are freshly grılled (rıght ın front of you) kebabs.  For 3 Turkısh lıra.  Whıch ıs probably around 2 dollars or so.  Maybe a lıttle less.  Better than the 5 dollar wılted Panda Express at Herıtage.  Cough.  Cough cough cough.  However, you quıte lıterally have to battle your way to the front of the mob to get food.  I haven't attempted that yet.  My frıends have gracıously done that job for me.

To go along wıth school ıs the school bus.  Before now, ı have never taken the school bus.  ı certaınly wasn't expectıng ıt to bump Amerıcan club musıc on the way to school.  The bus lıterally vıbrates the musıc ıs so loud.  I found ıt dıffıcult not to chuckle the fırst day ı rode ıt.


So now ıt ıs Frıday.  My fırst week of school ıs over.  ı've offıcıally been wıth my host famıly for two weeks, and ın Turkey for three.  ıt feels lıke an ımpossıbly long tıme, but also surprısıngly short.  ı have gone through an ımmense amount of emotıon ın the past weeks, but ı know ı'm learnıng from them.  And really, that's what thıs whole experıence ıs about.

-Olıvıa

The second week

A little over two weeks ago, I left my cozy home in Colorado. The air was still sweet with summer, and the leaves were just beginning to brown around the edges.  Crickets still played their symphony outside my window as I absorbed the last of the familiar. I reveled in the American food I scarfed down for dinner, and the vibrant crackle of the English language surrounding me. And then, I packed up my life and headed off into the complete unknown.

Now, I am settled in the dusty and lively town of Gaziantep, Turkey. For days, I battled with such immense homesickness I could hardly bear it.  The air was too hot. The language too overwhelming. This apartment seemed as foreign as the land around me. But now, I'm coming to appreciate the unique beauty of this developing city. The woman in a hijab riding sidesaddle on a coughing motorbike. The wind-chime jangle of drying peppers and eggplant hanging from balconies. The call to prayer rolling through the city, twining between the apartment buildings and seeping into everyday life. The people here are sweet. The children love to giggle and stare at me. I'm a shiny new toy. The adults coo, pinch my cheeks, and are surprised when they realize I am not fat. At all. So they stuff me with food, even after many a protest.  I'm not fat now, but I will be when I leave.

More often now, I find myself staring at the rangy street dogs that wander about. Breathe in the smell of the city. Car exhaust and cooking kebap. One moment, I feel at home. The next, so utterly foreign I can barely stand it. Without meaning to, I stand out like a sore thumb. Even I can spot an American from a mile away.  Everything is either in Turkish or Arabic. English is spattered here and there. Cars angrily shove past each other, and give no heed to simple things like lanes or pedestrians. Syrian license plates are common. I recently saw a sign directing cars towards Aleppo, Syria.  It's less than a two hour drive away.

Each day, I find something new to surprise me. The excited giggle of my host family after eating pop rocks, or the ridiculously loud call to prayer which serves as a mildly unwanted wake up call at 5:30 in the morning. There's a strange beauty here. Everything is covered with a fine layer of red dust. Crackling paint and peeling stucko is commonplace. To my Americanized eyes, it seemed grungy and terrifying at first. Far too loud and overwhelming.  But now I'm beggining to see with new eyes. See the things that are unseen in America. Like the woman in a burqa casually reading from an iPad.  Here ancient history meets the quickly growing modernity of the world. If I've learned one thing so far, it's that no matter where you are, people are essentially the same. The sky is the same. The oxygen we breathe is still the same. Really, our location is the only thing that is different.

-Olivia

No song today. I wrote this all on my iPhone (which now serves as an iPod) and don't have very good Internet.

Turkiye! Eh, eh?

I'm in Turkey!  I've been here for...oh...I'm already losing track of the days.  6 days I think.  Almost 7.  All of them have been spent in two separate hotels.  The first one we only stayed at for a night, and I spent the majority of it sniveling to myself, and pining about being homesick.  That was mostly due to extreme jet lag and lack of wifi.  I really do like my creature comforts.  Luckily the next hotel (the one I am currently at) has spotty wifi (it's best on the roof) and the rooms are a bit more updated.  However, I am thankful for what we have.  It's really a nice place.  Our surroundings are gorgeous.  We are in the Turkish countryside (we weren't in Istanbul like we thought we would be), and are surrounded by hordes of bunnies, peahens, peacocks, llamas, ducks, sheep, and the omnipresent rooster that likes waking me up at 5 in the morning.  The llamas like to chase me as well.

Things I have noticed about Turkey

-Everyone smokes.  Literally.
-The feral bunnies look like pet rabbits
-Everything is modern fused with old.  Or nearly ancient.
-You only drink from water bottles, and I haven't seen a recycling bin yet.
-Guys like to stare at you.  I'm learning to ignore them.
-The call to prayer is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard.  I scramble onto the roof to hear it every night.
-We eat a lot of bread.  I've eaten something like 30 pieces of bread in the past week.
-We eat a lot of cheese.  There's lots of different types of cheese.
-Turkish is incredibly complicated, even after hours and hours of intensive Turkish classes.
-If you even attempt to speak Turkish, people will simply beam at you.
-As it turns out, the showers aren't a tub/shower combination.  Even if you plug the drain with a towel.

I have noticed more things, but we are only in the countryside of Istanbul.  However, we will be with our host families by Friday!  I look forward to that immensely.  It will be a bit difficult to leave my new friends though.  Some of my best YES buddies are in Kayseri, but we'll see each other throughout the year.

Now, it's PICTURE TIME!!!

 Istanbul

 Typical breakfast so far

 Peacock in the trees.

View from our hotel roof.

I hope you have all have had a wonderful week, and I love you <3  Yes.  Yes I do.  

Love,

Olivia

The song we learned and sang during our Turkish lessons.

WRITE ABOUT ALL THE THINGS

Well haven't I just been a busy little bee who hasn't updated their blog like a bad person.  BAD OLIVIA, BAD!  Okay.  Now that I've adequately scolded myself, moving on.

I leave in THREE DAYS.  AHHHHHHH.  Freaking out a little bit.  Not going to lie.  Honestly, it still doesn't feel real.  I'm sure it will as soon as I get on the plane, but right now it just feels like I'm packing for some cool trip.  Which in a way I guess I am.  I've had my going away party.  Said most of my goodbyes.  Given many hugs and promises for postcards.  Now I just have to savor my last few days in the place I call home.  All too soon it will be ten months before I step foot back inside my house.  Crazy.

A few weeks ago I finally got my HOST FAMILY!!!  Well, welcome family, but same thing.  I will be living in Gaziantep, Turkey which I am thrilled about.  It's where I really wanted to be.  I have two host parents, and two little sisters.  One 8, one 4.  I have exchanged emails with my host mom a few times, and they seem wonderful.  I can't wait to meet them :)

I don't really know how to feel right now.  Excited.  Terrified.  Mystified.  This is something that I have been dreaming of for years, and now it is finally becoming real.  It took a ridiculous amount of work to get here, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for this scholarship.  If it wasn't for YES, I wouldn't be going anywhere.  I would be wallowing in a generic american high school, plodding through my day to day classes.  But now, I get to see a wonderful country.  Learn a new language.  Try new foods.  Go face to face with a misunderstood religion.  I know the year ahead is going to be challenging.  I will be homesick.  I will get frustrated.  But at the same time, it will be so incredibly rewarding.  I can't wait to begin my journey.  So with that, I will leave this be.  Most likely, my next post will be from Turkey.  Istanbul probably.  Unless I don't have time that first week with settling in and whatnot.

With love,

Olivia

I thought this was very fitting.